“You have searched me, Lord, and you know me.” Psalm 139:1
Two phrases of this verse stand out to me: Searched me and Know me.
Searched me- from the word chaqar which means to search for, search out, examine, investigate…to be found out. God has thoroughly looked over me, at me, in me. He sees everything and He sees deeply…into my heart, into my soul.
Know me- the word Know was translated from the original word yada…to discern, to find out, to perceive, to know by experience. God knows everything about me. He knows my innermost thoughts, my habits and routines, every little piece that makes me who I am. This is an intimate knowing. No one else can know everything about me.
If I was honest with myself, I would admit that I have spent much of my life hiding those pieces of me that I don’t want exposed. I keep them nicely locked away into a deeper corner of my heart and I don’t like to visit them too often. When I do look at those places, I see parts that are broken and hopeless…not a very pleasant thing to see. But God knows all those places of my heart. He knows when my doubts surface. He knows when I feel insecure or not good enough. He knows me because He pursued me. He examined me. He searched me.
It is a reassuring thing to know that the One who created me didn’t just give me life and leave me alone. He planned my life, He knew everything I would do and say, and He is molding me into the person He wants me to be. He is refining me with lessons in obedience. He asks me to seek Him…to seek His will. I often read this verse thinking what a disappointment I must be to my Lord. My perspective has changed. I really feel that He isn’t searching me to condemn me. He searches me to conform me to Christ.
I haven’t been able to write in several weeks. Life took over, my mom was diagnosed with a rare cancer. This is not an excuse for lack of participation in the Online Bible Study. I am saying it because I have spent the last few weeks playing each possible scenario in my mind…preparing for the best…preparing for the worst…preparing for what I thought was everything in between. There is nothing ironic about the date for which her surgery was scheduled…November 22. The day my Grammy died on an operating table 17 years ago. My mom was hooked up to an IV, prepped for surgery in pre-op (on said date). She was moments away from having the cancer removed or that is what we were praying for. My dad and I were called back and it was explained to us that the surgery was cancelled due to an emergency of life and death sorts. The doctor was on call and he had to leave immediately. I processed this news, hardly believing it was true. Cancelled…rescheduled…this scenario was not one that went through my mind. We were disappointed because we expected this phase of treatment to be over and now it was postponed. It was to be an answer to some of our very deep questions and now we are back to waiting.
When you walk with Jesus, you start to recognize that everything has a purpose, a place, a reason, and there is nothing that can surprise Him. God’s hand was in it…we don’t know why. We trust that He knows what is best. Where I played out every possible scenario to avoid disappointment, God already was there and He knew what would happen. Nothing about those events could disappoint Him. This must be true for our thoughts, our sins, our hearts and souls, our brokenness, our shame, our insecurity, our doubts and fears. Nothing about us can disappoint God. He already knows everything there is to know. He knows because He searches us…every part of us.
Psalm 139:2-3 “You know when I sit down and when I rise up; you discern my thoughts from afar. You search out my path and my lying down and are acquainted with all my ways.”
Psalm 139:23-24 “Search me, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts! And see if there be any grievous way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting!
Luke 12:6-8 “Are not five sparrows sold for two pennies? And not one of them is forgotten before God. Why, even the hairs of your head are all numbered. Fear not; you are of more value than many sparrows.”